gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I'm up to 56 cranes with 15 new ones since the last post, I think, I hope I have these numbers right.

Kevin took some photos of the paper cranes for me hanging from the ceiling hanging in the living room.

Three photos of paper cranes under the cut... )
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I had something in my head to write last night, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is because I got a migraine and had to hide in my bed for a while.  I still have head pain right now and it is annoying, but for reasons I can only explain as, I tend to ramble a lot, I feel compelled to write whatever pops into my head.

So as far as the paper cranes are concerned, while I have no photos right now of them, I have made the mama crane which also needs something to help stiffen the wings up.  We also got 400 more sheets of origami paper, which was surprisingly not as expensive as I thought it would be, although I don't know how much it actually cost but since Kevin was willing to buy it, it must not have been that bad (I'll do pictures later, when I can tolerate the bright lights coming through the windows enough to take them).  With the new paper I have made 14 more cranes.  Since I forgot to look at the last post about cranes before writing this I am actually not sure what that brings the total to, but the plan is to have them flying over the bed because we have a four poster bed with curtains hanging from it so there are parallel bars we can use to hang them, some how, or maybe Kevin plans to anchor them to the ceiling, not really sure, but he said he would do that once I made them.

Kevin was working on a summary of what has been going on with me for my up coming doctors appointment and I was going back through my posts to see if there was anything that would help him.  I found my post about wearing makeup and it does still hold true, I use that a lot to help with making myself feel better, but the way I use has changed.  I'm not sure if I was already having to buzz my hair off when I posted that, but I do know that the more recent the buzzing of the hair, the more likely I am going to be wearing makeup.  I really miss my hair, it had been a huge part of my identity for so long that not having it makes it so that I frequently don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  I also realized that I have been doing much heavier makeup than when I first started and the worse I feel, the heavier and darker it gets.  While my mom was here she got me some nicer makeup brushes and I have been using black eyeshadow as liner now, and actually got fairly good at applying it as far as I am concerned, but I have also been using darker colors like blues and greens instead of all skin tone colors like I would usually do.  I still need to figure out how to start taking pictures of what I am doing and some how have them in a document with an explanation of how I am feeling since I think there is a pattern to my use of makeup, but without having documentation it is hard to be certain, but it might be a good clue for Kevin is knowing how I felt during the day since I don't always remember to email him when I had a bad day, but I usually still have the makeup on since I also tend to forget to wash it off as well.

My hands have been practically turning into claws lately because of the joint/muscle/bone pain, which has also made making the cranes and putting makeup on, and trying to type, feed myself, clean myself (for the times when not getting help from Kevin, yes, I need Kevin's help for all showers now), open doors, use pencils, use a mouse, do a lot of things most people wouldn't think twice about, really hard.  I thought the decreasing co-ordination was bad because I kept spilling things on myself, but when it is painful to eat because you can't pick up the bottle with the liquid or hold a spoon in the first place, it kind of makes me want to cry.  Probably the reason why I am typing this now with very little planning is because this is one of the rare moments where typing for more than a couple of minutes doesn't make me want to scream in pain in the last few days.

I might be getting close to starting the slide into depression, but I still don't think I am currently depressed, I think I am just worn out by all of this.  It is exhausting to have to work as hard as I generally have to, just to do basic things.  And it is mentally exhausting to have to deal with the stress of it all so I always seem to feel tired even when I have just woken up.  But I don't think I am depressed because I still enjoy doing things, I still look forward to things when I can remember that we are going to be doing them.  If we go to the right store I can spend a long time just point at things and exclaiming very loudly how cute those things are (particularly with Easter coming up, I love all the colors of this holiday), I still laugh when watching a funny show (love the Ouran Host Club for that), I'm still interested in my Sims stuff even if I can't physically play the games most of the time.  If I am crying and it is not because of pain it is not because I am depressed, it is just because I am worn out or frustrated with how my health is going.

But in good news we have health insurance again and Kevin has already booked an appointment for the next day he has off work.  We will be having to drive a ways to get to these appointments, but we will be going to one of the best medical/hospital/schools in the country and Kevin figures, if they can't determine what is wrong (even if it turns out not to be curable) then no one can.  His plan is to cram as many appointments and tests as possible in as short a window as possible because we may not be able to afford this for a very long time and if the judge in my upcoming disability hearing doesn't believe that I am disabled, we are basically screwed and will probably have to drop the insurance again, unfortunately there is only a month between the first doctors appointment and the hearing so I am not sure if the doctor will have had time to be able to diagnose what is wrong by then, but she already has all of my medical records so hopefully that will help speed the process along.

And now my hands are starting to claw up this is the end of the post.
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
So I found the camera after much worrying of where I had lost it and decided to make the pictures their own post because they are kind of awkward sizes which is totally my fault for the way I cropped one of them.
three images under the cut... )
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
There was supposed to be a picture or two with this post, but I can't find the camera and since I was probably the last one to use it, that is a problem.  If I find it later I made add pictures to this depending on how much time passes and whether or not I remember to.

Near the end of February I started the Paper Crane project to fold 1000 paper cranes.  As of today, I have now folded 30, which is remarkable considering how much making these can make my fingers hurt and I have been having a lot of random back and shoulder pain lately which makes wanting to move any arm/hand muscles really low.  

The packet of Origami paper said it had 28 sheets in it, but it turned out it had 29 which really confused me because there are four colors and when I organized them to thread and hang I had this random red crane and then spent way more time than I should have today trying to find the three it was supposed to go with and then realized after a few hours that I wasn't - 3 I was +1.  Then, because I have a plan for it, I made a super-sized paper crane out of wrapping paper, but while wrapping paper folds very easily, it doesn't stay in shape very well so Kevin is going to do something to it to help it keep its shape.

When I told my mom what I was doing she remembered the book and how I had made a lot of paper cranes for a long time after reading it.  She has even offered to send more origami paper if we can't afford it ourselves, which I may have to tell her to go ahead and do, in small quantities, because if I have a stack of a 1000 sheets sitting in front of me I may get overwhelmed and hide.  I don't know if me starting this project was her intent when she left that packet of origami paper, but I am glad she approves of what I am doing with it.

Right now 28 of the paper cranes are hanging in the living room on a length of fishing line because we figured it was the strongest thing that could be threaded through a needle to actually thread through the cranes and then tided and hung.  The extra red crane is sitting in front of my computer screen so i should see both the first batch and the extra all the time.  The jumbo sized one I plan to sit in the bedroom on my bedside table, provided it fits, the thing is huge, for when I am stuck in bed all day, or just to look at while falling asleep.

I know this won't happen over night, just like getting my health back won't happen over night.  In some ways I think that is the lesson I am most taking away from this.  But just because I can't fold them as quickly or for as long as I used to, I still can fold two or three a day and so long as I can do that, hope still exists because it is something, and hope is a very important thing when you are trying to over come something.

For now I have to wait until I can get more paper (or start working on the printer paper which will result in some large white cranes) but I am looking forward to making more.

30 down, 970 left to go.
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
When I was in the 7th grade we read a book called "Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" which for some reason really resonated with me. As a project for the class while reading the book we were assigned to make paper cranes to send to Japan for the an annual memorial that is held at a statue placed in remembrance of the girl the book was written about. Of everyone in the class, I folded the most paper cranes, and, now that I think about it, I think I made more than the rest of the class combined, I remember the teacher being really amazed at how many I had been able to make in a short period of time.

The theory is that if you fold 1000 paper cranes, you will be granted a wish. I have often wanted to try folding 1000 cranes, but never actually managed to start and really wasn't sure where to put them. I had been considering starting the project again recently since now wishing for my health back is an almost daily occurrence, but I didn't think Kevin would be very excited about the idea of 1000 white paper cranes made out of printer paper hanging from the ceiling. But without knowing of my desire to make these paper cranes, while my mom was visiting she bought a small package of very pretty Origami paper that she had left behind. I thought she had gotten it for her scrap-booking, but she said it was for me.

So today I folded four paper cranes, one in each of the patterns of paper. Once I started the forth one I fingers started to really hurt so this may take a while if I can only do four a day, but then again, I only have 28 pieces of paper and I don't want all of the rest to be white either, although I am sure some will be, so this will be a long project indeed. But if at the end of 1000 paper cranes I find that I am healthy again, it will have all been worth it. I know it is not likely folding paper cranes will actually cure me, but we have tried everything traditional medicine says should work and it hasn't, maybe a leap of faith is what I need.



Four down, 996 left to go.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
So I haven't been doing what I planned to do with SimCity, but there is a reason.  When I twisted/hurt my ankle a couple weeks ago I landed pretty hard and on a hard surface.  I thought that the only thing injured was my ankle/foot, but once the pain from that started to go down I realized that my whole right arm, all the way up to my neck, was in pain, and it got intense enough that I lost of few days worth of memories.  Kevin is now completely convinced that my memory loss is a defense mechanism that my body is using to keep me sane because the greater the pain, the more significant the memory loss.

At first I thought the pain in my arm was from playing and holding my arm at a strange angle, but even after two or three days of no playing, it still hurt a lot, in fact, I think it was getting worse with less movement.  I wasn't able to sleep very well because of the pain so for the last two weeks I've basically done nothing but try to read my favorite manga series, Fruits Basket (which if you ever have a chance, I would highly recommend.  If you don't want to read it, FUNimation has the first 7 or 8 books for free as an anime series, I have included a link to their site in this sentence. It is to their shows page, but you can find Fruits Basket pretty easily from there.  Tohru Honda is the kind of person I want to be like.) and seeing what all I can do with my left arm.  I have learned that while I am rather uncoordinated with my right arm, I am a disaster waiting to happen with my left arm; clicking anything with a mouse or touch pad with my left hand was an exercise in futility because it just never worked the way I wanted it to and I risked injury to myself when trying to eat with a fork or use a knife with my left hand.

Fortunately the pain in my right arm is less, it isn't gone, but it is low enough now I will try playing again, although it has been long enough I need to re-read my notes on what it was I planned to do.

I'm also trying to re-read Harry Potter now.  I started a couple of days ago and so far I have only made it through five pages, and even that wasn't read all at once.  I basically read a paragraph or two and then have to take a break.  I have to use the bookmark to cover the text below the text I am reading or I read down the page in diagonal sort of manner which makes something that is difficult to do that much harder.  I'm trying to not let it get me down, but it has been a big reminder of the limitation I am currently under.  When I first read the series, all but the first book were read in one sitting on the day/nigh of release, and I have never been a quick reader, but my ability to focus as always made up for that; the first book I read a chapter at a time for the first week until I got into it and then read the rest of it straight through.  At the rate I am currently going, it could take me years to finish this, but that is okay, because I am doing it and it is something I have wanted to do for a while.

I'm also doing the makeup more.  I posted a while ago about the fact that I sometimes put on makeup to help make myself feel better about myself, especially with the lack of hair to use to make myself feel better about myself.  I have been thinking maybe I should do a photo series of the makeup I have been doing, not to post for everyone, but more for myself, because it might help me to remember.  I was wearing makeup sometimes last year, but I mostly forgot that I even had the makeup.  It was helped some by nail polish, which I mainly wear on my toe nails because I can see those since I only wear sandals and it doesn't chip as fast as on my fingernails.  I am trying to make sure that this year I am more consistent with it, because it really does contribute to my better moods.  Sometimes I do the makeup kind of silly, basically anything that looks really done up I consider silly for me, because I have always felt the best makeup was the kind that looked more natural.  Sometimes I go really light with the makeup and it is something I wouldn't mind actually wearing in public.  Both types of makeup have their purpose and I use them at different times for different reasons.

I'm not sure how to end this post so, this is the end of the post.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
So it is actually January 6th when I started typing this, but I figure it will be January 7th by the time I post , hence the title.

I have been meaning to post for a couple of days, but keep forgetting for some reason I don't quite know how to explain.  I'm not even sure at this point what it was I wanted to post about, but since I wanted to post about something, I guess today works as a topic as well.

Today was an okay day as far as, I was in a pretty good mood all day and managed to keep myself reasonably entertained.  Only problem was I managed to pull a muscle or sprain something in my right foot around noon.  I was heading to the kitchen, attempting to walk the whole way which is only a few feet so it really shouldn't have been a problem, and just a foot from the door way to the kitchen I lost my balance spun around completely because I landed face first in the kitchen, half way in the kitchen and half way in the living room, and during this fall I heard what sound like very loud rice crispys and their snap crackle pop sound they make.  And then I was in a lot of pain laying on the floor for a few minutes.  Kevin left for work sometime after 11 and since I am pretty sure I didn't break anything, I didn't want to call him, but I still felt really stupid for having the fall in the first place and then being stuck on the floor until I could get past the pain to move back to the couch.  So I spent the day on the couch (which is normal), leg propped up, with an ice pack on it until it was no longer cold because I couldn't bring myself to crawl back to the kitchen and try to get another one.  I have never been so happy that we have a small fridge.  The ice packs are normally all on the top door shelf, but there was one on the bottom door shelf and I was just barely able to reach it when I stretched as far as I could without actually standing.  Fortunately I have my laptop with iTune and my iPod so I used music to help keep the pain at bay.

As of now, I can get around on my feet if assisted, otherwise is it basically all still crawling, hopefully it won't take too long to heal.  I am so glad we live in a single story home, if that had happened on stairs I do not even want to think of what condition I would be in right now.  But still happy, still trying to be healthy, I've always had weak ankles and in college managed to sprain one or the other every year so I am very familiar with the healing process, just one of those things you have to keep in mind and try not to do anything that would be risky.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
So yesterday, don't really remember much of yesterday.  Today, not so bad.  I have a lot of head pain, but it doesn't appear to be affecting my mood at all.  Part of it may be that the thing I was trying to figure out early in the morning on New Years day, I actually managed to figure out.  It's not Sims related, it's not even something that is really important, but figuring out how to get into something I wanted to do after not being able to for three days made me feel really good.  Unfortunately once I finally got in I got totally lost again so I'm not sure how well I am actually going to do on it.

We have modified my diet a little, mainly because I think we made the transition to Raw Veganism too quickly and I really like potatoes and wanted to be able to still eat them from time to time without it just being a transport for the sodium that I tend to not get enough of.  Most of the day is Raw Vegan, fresh squeezed Orange juice with cherries because apparent cherries have a good pain relieving property although how much that helps I am not sure, also, I don't like Orange juice but with the cherry in it I can drink it.  Lunch is a very large salad, what is included depends on what we have and how it tastes to me that day because my taste buds like to change their minds it seems.  Snacks, eaten throughout the day are Apples, as many as I want; they may have a lot of calories relatively speaking, but the natural sugar, as with the Orange juice, helps to keep my energy more even, which now that I think about it doesn't really work because I go for weeks at a time either getting 4 hours of sleep a night or weeks at a time sleeping 12 to 16 hours a day; not sure if the natural sugar is really working for me.  Dinner is where the potato comes in.  Generally the potato is either baked and eaten or baked, mashed, and eaten.  On occasion it might be something more complex, but that will be more to keep me interested in what I am eating.  I don't think having a potato each day is really going to be that big of a problem with calling myself a raw vegan, unless cheese gets added it is still vegan and raw vegans only have to reach 75% raw vegan for their food intake to be considered a raw vegan so I am still saying I am a raw vegan, just slightly less raw, with the occasional addition of cheese to keep me happy until I don't need it any more to keep me happy.

Anyway, today seems to have been a good day, despite the pain in my head.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Don't expect this to be a daily blog, I don't think that is possible, but when I can and remember I will post something about today.

The first half of today was spent with me trying to find information for something I wanted to do that was not Sims related and never finding it.  I try to write everything down because I know I am going to forget it later the way things have been going so the first several hours (starting at like 2 am and then again at 4 am, then again when I finally woke up for the day) trying to find the notebooks that the information was written in.  When I found it I was trying to go through it and find the start point for what I wanted to do because I couldn't remember it and for the next couple of hours I flipped through three notebooks several times for two hours and could never figure out what it was I needed to do.  I spent more time trying to figure out how to get into the thing I wanted to do than I would have actually spent on it in the first place.

Was it something I needed to do, no.  Had I not thought of it, would I have been able to come up with something more interesting to do, probably.  I'm just disappointed that my note taking skills, which I have always considered to be pretty good, completely failed me today.  I am blaming it on the mental confusion part of my disability because these notes were all written after the migraines started and there is a lot of randomness to what I write down.  I have no idea why I thought some things were important, but not others.  It was a really sobering reminder of why it is I would not be able to work in any kind of job.

The second half of the day was spent writing up my SimCity playing plan to be completed before I determine the next project and writing this about this morning.  I'm not sure how the post about SimCity playing or this one will sound being read by someone one other than me.  I'm starting to loose my ability to read back text so I'll end this post here. 
gettinghealthy: (Default)
This may not turn out to be the post I had dreamed up in my head because my wrists decided to start hurting today for some reason which will make typing more difficult than normal, but I really wanted to post this before 2012 (my time) for reasons I really cannot be certain of, it just sounded right in my head.

2011:

I think this is the year we started using the wheel chair, or maybe it was at the end of last year.  It is really hard to be reflective when you can't remember when things where.  It was also the year that we found out no matter how much fiber I get, IBS-A can still go to the C side really hard and for a long time.  But I would like to make this a more positive post so I am going to try and list all of the good things that happened.  This is the year that we discovered raw veganism and while we may not be perfect raw vegans, we have vastly improved our diets and probably our life expectancies in the process.  This is also the year that I managed to reverse the steady weight gain (through raw veganism), and actually got under 200 pounds, and not just by a little bit, more than 20 pounds under 200 pounds; I really didn't think it was going to be possible.  I think my must have some food intolerances that my former health care provider just didn't think to test for or didn't realize wouldn't show up in tests.  The IBS still makes the weight loss slower than it would be for someone who is healthy (Kevin lost twice as much as I did) .  This is also the year, as of last night, that I was finally able to put my wedding ring back on.  I never wanted to take it off, but while I was still under medical care, I had swollen up so much that it was cutting the circulation off in my finger and I actually had to cut it off my hand; I cried for the entire day I was so upset at having to do that.  The ring I wear means more to me and my husband than just as a wedding ring; it was his grandmother's wedding ring and his father actually gave it to him to give to me when he asked Kevin why he hadn't proposed yet, two or three years before we got married.  So this ring represents, at least to me, complete acceptance by Kevin's family.  While I had never doubted that they accepted me, this ring was the proof I really needed to be sure, because I have seen the problems couples have had when the family doesn't accept the significant other.  So of all of the things I am most grateful for, being able to wear this ring again is probably at the top of this list of the things I have listed, but it was also only possible with the previous two happening.

2012: 

I have informed Kevin that I resolve to completely give up fast food; the only thing we have really been having in the fast food category is potato based foods because I tend not to get enough sodium from raw vegan foods and I apparently have a problem with sea salt which is what most raw vegans prefer since regular salt is highly processed.  But I have figured out how much greens I need to eat to not get to low on the sodium, which was a bit of a problem until we realized what was going on, and hopefully that will make it so I don't need to get french fries any more.  If you have seen my other blog I set up a few days ago you will also know that my other resolution has to do with Sims playing, and actually completing a new project before starting another one.  I still need to get the planning for the first one completed, hopefully I will be able to post something tomorrow about what I plan to do, but we shall see how things are going.  I was going to try and exercise a little every day, but my joints have been getting worse instead of better, despite all of the improved eating we have been doing, so I will just say that I resolve to exercise on any day my legs and arms allow me to bend them without wanting to scream out in pain.

Well, that is basically what I wanted to post, it would have been longer if I could have remembered everything I had dreamt up to say, but I think this covers the bulk of it.  Since I basically forgot this journal even existed this year I am going to try and post more in here, but I can't make any promises on that one.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
The IBS finally allowed some to pass.  Even though it was painful it is better than the pain of IBS-C.  This relief, though minimal because there is still IBS pain, generally lasts a day or two and then the pain starts building again.  I know it may sound strange, but if I have to have IBS I would rather it be the D and not the C, at least with the D the pain was only while eating, and right after eating, and then whatever I ate was gone and it wouldn't hurt very much until I ate again.  With C, the pain is all the time and if there is gas included the pain can be so bad that I cannot move.  I am not sure what makes the gas so much worse, but it frequently feels like my insides are stretching and trying to tear apart.  I now avoid whole wheat and oats because of this.  White bread does not seem to cause a problem, but when I had gluten free oat product I was eating I was in a massive amount of gas pain all of the time and the IBS-C was worse than normal.  It seems the more fiber I eat, so long as it is grain fiber, the worse the C gets.  I am not sure how the vegetable fiber is working out as the C has been pretty bad lately and I can only eat a little bit at a time most days because if I eat a normal sized meal I feel like I am going to vomit.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Despite feeling super dizzy I managed to do the exercise today.  I think I did it yesterday as well but I cannot remember and I didn't write it down so I really don't know. 

I may need a walker soon because even with the cane I feel like I need something to hold me up on both sides because I constantly feel like I am going to fall over.  I only have fallen once so far, but I hit my head pretty hard when I did and felt sick for the rest of the day; probably should have gone to the hospital when I did that, but didn't and it was too long ago to do much about it now.

I do think if this exercise works and I get better because of it I am going to study to become a physical therapist and focus on helping people with chronic pain conditions.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
I have to rest. I can barely move, not sure if I will be able to do the exercise bike today.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
So far today I have had a potato something with cheddar on it.

My head is so dizzy it is hard to type. I could not walk with the cane even, I had to crawl from the bedroom to the living room and then pull myself up onto the couch.  I think I need to rest some until Kevin gets home.

Updated

Kevin brought home Long John Sliver's Chicken and Hush Puppies; very happy!
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Yesterday as I was going to sleep I set a challenge for myself, to do the five minutes on the exercise bike every day Sunday through Saturday regardless of the amount of pain I am in.  When I woke up this morning I was afraid I might miss the first day because even my cane felt too heavy to lift and I wasn't sure I would be able to make it from the bed to the exercise bike.  After a while I was able to put on a little eyeshadow and half dragged myself to the exercise bike and managed to do the five minute ride and the arm exercises so while I am in a lot of pain and even typing hurts, I did manage to do the exercise.  I am hoping that if I can actually make it through the whole week, ignoring the pain and dizziness, maybe that will help set me up for a better next week.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
I sometimes wonder how I don't end up depressed the way my doctors all believe I should and I realize that I don't actually know.  I don't think I am special or have some gift that allows me to go through life untouched by negative feels; I do know what it feels like to be so sad you think you will never stop crying, but so far that has only happened when someone died (or a cat in the most recent case).  My mother suffers from depression, as far I can tell, my father does not; I don't think my brother does, I think he just wants to be anti-social so he doesn't have to deal with certain things.  I don't spend all day telling myself I am not depressed, I only say it when someone tells me they think I should be, so it is not like I am trying to convince myself of something that is not true.

In the pain management group I was in, one of the suggestions was to do something nice for yourself once a week, something you enjoy and are able to do regardless of the pain.  Examples included petting a cat or a dog, listening to music, watching a favorite television program, etc, etc.  I looked at Kevin and told him I do those every day without even having to tell myself that I will do something nice for myself that day.  It seemed silly to me but to others in the group, all of whom were able to leave the house on their own unlike me, it seemed to be a great and new concept.  I guess when you are depressed, trying to do something you enjoy seems like a far out idea, and is another reason I knew I was not depressed.

Something I had heard about well before my IBS changed to become more painful and my migraines started I had read about something some women with cancer will do to make themselves feel better and while I do not have cancer, it is something I thought was a good idea; they put on makeup.  There is something to be said for the concept that just because someone looks great doesn't mean they feel great, but when you have something that can take such a toll on your physical appearance as cancer does, feeling like you look good can be as good a medicine as any because you are more likely to keep fighting. 

While I have never been one to really get into wearing makeup in the past, I asked Kevin to get a makeup kit for me at one of those half off after Christmas sales and now I have a small box with some eyeshadow, lip gloss, and blush in it.  I asked him because when the IBS changed, my ability to maintain my weight also changed.  When Kevin and I first met I was a health 125 pounds, most of which was muscle because I ran and exercised daily.  Right now, well, I will not say how much I weigh now, but it is a good deal more and even if I skip eating for a day, the weight continues to go up and everything they have tested for comes back good, so I have no idea why because it was going up even before I became unable to run an hour each day.  This weight gain has taken a toll on how I feel about how I look; I never thought I was model worthy, but I thought I looked okay for me, now I do sometimes wonder what it is Kevin sees because he calls me beautiful every day.

I don't wear the makeup to make others think I am healthier or happier than I am, I wear it for me, to make myself feel better about how I look and how I can look once this get figured out.  I never wear a lot, just enough so that I know it is there.  I don't have to be going somewhere to put it, I am wearing some right now and have no expectation of leaving the house today.  No, the makeup is just for me, and me alone.  So now, sometimes I wear makeup, when I want to try and make myself feel a little better about how I look.  I may not need the makeup in Kevin's eyes, but it does make me feel better just knowing it is there.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Kevin has been hoping that if properly motivated I would be able to walk more and do more during the day so he got an annual pass to a nearby zoo because I love animals and it was cheaper than buying two tickets twice.  Yesterday was the second time to the zoo and I fought really hard to stay upright and walk (with a cane and Kevin's assistance) to the elephants at the zoo, my favorite of all animals.  I think we sat on every bench they had getting there and then sat on them all again on the way back.  I think I could have watched them all day but my mental fogging wouldn't even let me do that.  Sitting peacefully on a bench and looking at the beautiful elephants was too much for my brain to handle.

After several hours of resting at home Kevin took me to the grocery store but once we got back I went completely downhill; I couldn't stand up on my own and I couldn't talk at all.  Kevin eventually got me in bed and I slept very soundly all night.  This morning was still a bit rough and I am just now getting to where I can type although speaking is still really slow compared to the average person.

I really enjoyed yesterday and I do not regret going to the zoo; hopefully our next visit will be more successful than this one was.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Potato Cheese Bake and a Coca Cola.  I am trying to remember what I had for breakfast.  I am thinking what I will do is switch to the meal in a can option for all meals not made by Kevin so I know what I have eaten and maybe I will lose some weight, although I have gained weight on days when I didn't eat anything the day before so it is hard to know what is really causing the weight gain.

I am also having an even harder time with coordination.  I keep walking into things, hitting things with my arms I don't mean to and when the computer is involved I tend to click on the wrong thing.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
I think I have had handi-snacks again, I know I have had a Coca Cola because the can is sitting next to me half full.  Other than that I am at a complete loss as to what I have eaten today but I know I am not hungry.  I didn't exercise yesterday due to being so totally out of it by noon and I haven't exercised today because I find that when I exercise I become even more out of it than my normal state of out of it.

Just had a random massive coughing fit so I think I am going to rest again and hope I feel better by the time Kevin gets home in the next 50 minutes.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
I ate some corn chips and had a little soda as a snack sometime after 3 pm but then my parents called for our regular Sunday Google chat so I ended up not eating very much until after the chat and then I still probably only ate a handful of the chips. 

I must have at some point eaten the handi-snack because I don't see it, but I don't remember eating it either.

The chat went well, my head was going towards mental fog even before they called but I fought through it until I couldn't really speak anymore.  I did get to tell them that Kevin was really happy with his Christmas gift and what he bought with it (Amazon gift card) and about the appointment at mental health and how I don't have a mental health problem, just a physical problem that I am not letting get the better of me.

I still need to exercise but I think I need some more rest first before I try and do the exercise bike, I feel exhausted mentally right now and I am not sure I could keep the bike on for the whole five minutes.

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gettinghealthy: (Default)
Eppy

Paper Cranes Count

4+25+1+1+14+11=56 of 1000

November 2012

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