gettinghealthy: (beach)
This post is being written over the course of whatever moments of time I can actually stand the screen to type so if this skips parts please accept my apologies, I tried to prevent that if possible.

Not too long ago I posted about the original makeup kit Kevin got me the day after Christmas two years ago and I have probably mentioned my love/frustration relationship with it. The overriding emotion is one of I love it, because it is makeup and I think it cost $5 on clearance at Wal-Mart so I felt okay with using it, much more so than the very limited amount of makeup that I unearthed from my original collection of things I had before meeting Kevin. You see, for me the more expensive something is the less likely I am to use it because I know it is not likely to be replaced, at least not easily; Kevin has since given me a makeup allowance so I will be able to plan out what new things I would like and will also allow me to set some aside for replacing what I have used up that I feel is worth replacing (most likely it will all be new stuff because most of the stuff comes from the Dollar store and probably will never be found again).

Click to read more and see my new daily makeup eyeshadows and lip glosses... )
gettinghealthy: (beach)
So as makeup seems to be a big part of my ability to remember to eat breakfast and brush my teeth twice a day and this is posted in my getting healthy journal (if you are reading it on livejournal that is the cross posted entry) it seems to be relevant to the journey of trying to get healthy.

Some of you may remember that one of the side-effects of the pain that I have been experiencing is memory loss, but I don't just forget things I have done, I also forget things I need to do, like eat, and then brush my teeth. So to help with that I have set a rule that I can't apply makeup to my face or nails until after I have at least had breakfast and brushed my teeth and if I can't remember if I did both of those, I will do them again. I also keep the tooth brush and tooth paste with the evening facial cleansers so that helps me to brush my teeth at night, doesn't work as well as the morning reminder, but better than not remembering at all.

Pictures and lots of text... )
gettinghealthy: (beach)
My hands hurt so if this post reads kind of odd it is because I wrote it over several days because I can't type for that long before the pain gets too high. This is kind of meant as a follow-up to my Sometimes I Wear Makeup post that I wrote over a year ago about how I use makeup to help make myself feel better.

This is kind of long so I put it under a cut, but please read... )
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I had something in my head to write last night, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is because I got a migraine and had to hide in my bed for a while.  I still have head pain right now and it is annoying, but for reasons I can only explain as, I tend to ramble a lot, I feel compelled to write whatever pops into my head.

So as far as the paper cranes are concerned, while I have no photos right now of them, I have made the mama crane which also needs something to help stiffen the wings up.  We also got 400 more sheets of origami paper, which was surprisingly not as expensive as I thought it would be, although I don't know how much it actually cost but since Kevin was willing to buy it, it must not have been that bad (I'll do pictures later, when I can tolerate the bright lights coming through the windows enough to take them).  With the new paper I have made 14 more cranes.  Since I forgot to look at the last post about cranes before writing this I am actually not sure what that brings the total to, but the plan is to have them flying over the bed because we have a four poster bed with curtains hanging from it so there are parallel bars we can use to hang them, some how, or maybe Kevin plans to anchor them to the ceiling, not really sure, but he said he would do that once I made them.

Kevin was working on a summary of what has been going on with me for my up coming doctors appointment and I was going back through my posts to see if there was anything that would help him.  I found my post about wearing makeup and it does still hold true, I use that a lot to help with making myself feel better, but the way I use has changed.  I'm not sure if I was already having to buzz my hair off when I posted that, but I do know that the more recent the buzzing of the hair, the more likely I am going to be wearing makeup.  I really miss my hair, it had been a huge part of my identity for so long that not having it makes it so that I frequently don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  I also realized that I have been doing much heavier makeup than when I first started and the worse I feel, the heavier and darker it gets.  While my mom was here she got me some nicer makeup brushes and I have been using black eyeshadow as liner now, and actually got fairly good at applying it as far as I am concerned, but I have also been using darker colors like blues and greens instead of all skin tone colors like I would usually do.  I still need to figure out how to start taking pictures of what I am doing and some how have them in a document with an explanation of how I am feeling since I think there is a pattern to my use of makeup, but without having documentation it is hard to be certain, but it might be a good clue for Kevin is knowing how I felt during the day since I don't always remember to email him when I had a bad day, but I usually still have the makeup on since I also tend to forget to wash it off as well.

My hands have been practically turning into claws lately because of the joint/muscle/bone pain, which has also made making the cranes and putting makeup on, and trying to type, feed myself, clean myself (for the times when not getting help from Kevin, yes, I need Kevin's help for all showers now), open doors, use pencils, use a mouse, do a lot of things most people wouldn't think twice about, really hard.  I thought the decreasing co-ordination was bad because I kept spilling things on myself, but when it is painful to eat because you can't pick up the bottle with the liquid or hold a spoon in the first place, it kind of makes me want to cry.  Probably the reason why I am typing this now with very little planning is because this is one of the rare moments where typing for more than a couple of minutes doesn't make me want to scream in pain in the last few days.

I might be getting close to starting the slide into depression, but I still don't think I am currently depressed, I think I am just worn out by all of this.  It is exhausting to have to work as hard as I generally have to, just to do basic things.  And it is mentally exhausting to have to deal with the stress of it all so I always seem to feel tired even when I have just woken up.  But I don't think I am depressed because I still enjoy doing things, I still look forward to things when I can remember that we are going to be doing them.  If we go to the right store I can spend a long time just point at things and exclaiming very loudly how cute those things are (particularly with Easter coming up, I love all the colors of this holiday), I still laugh when watching a funny show (love the Ouran Host Club for that), I'm still interested in my Sims stuff even if I can't physically play the games most of the time.  If I am crying and it is not because of pain it is not because I am depressed, it is just because I am worn out or frustrated with how my health is going.

But in good news we have health insurance again and Kevin has already booked an appointment for the next day he has off work.  We will be having to drive a ways to get to these appointments, but we will be going to one of the best medical/hospital/schools in the country and Kevin figures, if they can't determine what is wrong (even if it turns out not to be curable) then no one can.  His plan is to cram as many appointments and tests as possible in as short a window as possible because we may not be able to afford this for a very long time and if the judge in my upcoming disability hearing doesn't believe that I am disabled, we are basically screwed and will probably have to drop the insurance again, unfortunately there is only a month between the first doctors appointment and the hearing so I am not sure if the doctor will have had time to be able to diagnose what is wrong by then, but she already has all of my medical records so hopefully that will help speed the process along.

And now my hands are starting to claw up this is the end of the post.
gettinghealthy: (Default)
Don't expect this to be a daily blog, I don't think that is possible, but when I can and remember I will post something about today.

The first half of today was spent with me trying to find information for something I wanted to do that was not Sims related and never finding it.  I try to write everything down because I know I am going to forget it later the way things have been going so the first several hours (starting at like 2 am and then again at 4 am, then again when I finally woke up for the day) trying to find the notebooks that the information was written in.  When I found it I was trying to go through it and find the start point for what I wanted to do because I couldn't remember it and for the next couple of hours I flipped through three notebooks several times for two hours and could never figure out what it was I needed to do.  I spent more time trying to figure out how to get into the thing I wanted to do than I would have actually spent on it in the first place.

Was it something I needed to do, no.  Had I not thought of it, would I have been able to come up with something more interesting to do, probably.  I'm just disappointed that my note taking skills, which I have always considered to be pretty good, completely failed me today.  I am blaming it on the mental confusion part of my disability because these notes were all written after the migraines started and there is a lot of randomness to what I write down.  I have no idea why I thought some things were important, but not others.  It was a really sobering reminder of why it is I would not be able to work in any kind of job.

The second half of the day was spent writing up my SimCity playing plan to be completed before I determine the next project and writing this about this morning.  I'm not sure how the post about SimCity playing or this one will sound being read by someone one other than me.  I'm starting to loose my ability to read back text so I'll end this post here. 
gettinghealthy: (Default)
I sometimes wonder how I don't end up depressed the way my doctors all believe I should and I realize that I don't actually know.  I don't think I am special or have some gift that allows me to go through life untouched by negative feels; I do know what it feels like to be so sad you think you will never stop crying, but so far that has only happened when someone died (or a cat in the most recent case).  My mother suffers from depression, as far I can tell, my father does not; I don't think my brother does, I think he just wants to be anti-social so he doesn't have to deal with certain things.  I don't spend all day telling myself I am not depressed, I only say it when someone tells me they think I should be, so it is not like I am trying to convince myself of something that is not true.

In the pain management group I was in, one of the suggestions was to do something nice for yourself once a week, something you enjoy and are able to do regardless of the pain.  Examples included petting a cat or a dog, listening to music, watching a favorite television program, etc, etc.  I looked at Kevin and told him I do those every day without even having to tell myself that I will do something nice for myself that day.  It seemed silly to me but to others in the group, all of whom were able to leave the house on their own unlike me, it seemed to be a great and new concept.  I guess when you are depressed, trying to do something you enjoy seems like a far out idea, and is another reason I knew I was not depressed.

Something I had heard about well before my IBS changed to become more painful and my migraines started I had read about something some women with cancer will do to make themselves feel better and while I do not have cancer, it is something I thought was a good idea; they put on makeup.  There is something to be said for the concept that just because someone looks great doesn't mean they feel great, but when you have something that can take such a toll on your physical appearance as cancer does, feeling like you look good can be as good a medicine as any because you are more likely to keep fighting. 

While I have never been one to really get into wearing makeup in the past, I asked Kevin to get a makeup kit for me at one of those half off after Christmas sales and now I have a small box with some eyeshadow, lip gloss, and blush in it.  I asked him because when the IBS changed, my ability to maintain my weight also changed.  When Kevin and I first met I was a health 125 pounds, most of which was muscle because I ran and exercised daily.  Right now, well, I will not say how much I weigh now, but it is a good deal more and even if I skip eating for a day, the weight continues to go up and everything they have tested for comes back good, so I have no idea why because it was going up even before I became unable to run an hour each day.  This weight gain has taken a toll on how I feel about how I look; I never thought I was model worthy, but I thought I looked okay for me, now I do sometimes wonder what it is Kevin sees because he calls me beautiful every day.

I don't wear the makeup to make others think I am healthier or happier than I am, I wear it for me, to make myself feel better about how I look and how I can look once this get figured out.  I never wear a lot, just enough so that I know it is there.  I don't have to be going somewhere to put it, I am wearing some right now and have no expectation of leaving the house today.  No, the makeup is just for me, and me alone.  So now, sometimes I wear makeup, when I want to try and make myself feel a little better about how I look.  I may not need the makeup in Kevin's eyes, but it does make me feel better just knowing it is there.

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gettinghealthy: (Default)
Eppy

Paper Cranes Count

4+25+1+1+14+11=56 of 1000

November 2012

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