gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I've been feeling the need to post something for a few days but I never knew what to write about so I didn't.  Unfortunately I still don't know what to write about so if this makes no sense, I apologize but sometimes my want side of my brain over rides my logic side of my brain.

So I let the SimCity game for DullsVille run on its own up until 1987 or something around there to see what would happen, like if it would tell me that I won, and it didn't.  Then I realized that I had let it run without turning off disasters and part of the city was trying to flood itself, but it didn't tell me I had lost, which it had done in a prior to this series of posts attempts at playing one of the challenges so I am guessing I was still doing well enough to win.  My plan is it let it run one more time, remembering to turn off disasters (I exited without saving), and give it until 2000 and see what happens.  Once I have done that I will move on to the next challenge and we'll see what that one is all about.

The makeup love is still going strong.  When I talked to my mom about it she said that for a while, after college I had gotten really into makeup wearing it everyday, and she never really understood why it stopped.  I actually didn't remember this, I remembered buying some makeup because I like pretty colors, but I didn't remember really wearing it all that much, but maybe in a weird way the reason why this is helping me with my mood is because it is something I was missing.  The other day Kevin took me to a Daiso store because they sell cheap, from Japan and we are kind of obsessed with Japan, products and this one actually had makeup at it, I don't remember the other two that we have gone to having makeup so this made me really happy because everything was $1.50 per package so I got some eye shadow and some lipgloss.  I haven't tried any of the new stuff yet, but I spend a lot of time sitting and staring at the colors and sometimes turn it over and read the badly translated English and laugh because there is only actually one sentence in English on the back of the package and I think it sounds funny.  Sentence on the package: "Attention of the use: If something happen the trouble on your skin using them, please stop using them."  I don't know why but that makes me smile every time I see it and it only cost $1.50.  They had some really nice shades of eye shadow, very wearable, and while I have been favoring more of the crazier colors lately because I am trying to expand on what I feel comfortable with, it is always nice to have some basic colors as well, like light tans and light pinks.

The paper cranes are still going, I don't have a new picture yet, because the next 24 haven't been strung up yet, but I have made another set of 24 and I am now working on a smaller batch of 14 from some special paper that Kevin got me that says it has Kimono patterns on it so I have really been enjoying those.  Still have four more sheets to finish that set and then hopefully I can get both sets strung up and take some pictures to share.

Starting to get dizzy and the screen is swaying back and forth, but at least I got something posted.
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I'm up to 56 cranes with 15 new ones since the last post, I think, I hope I have these numbers right.

Kevin took some photos of the paper cranes for me hanging from the ceiling hanging in the living room.

Three photos of paper cranes under the cut... )
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
I had something in my head to write last night, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is because I got a migraine and had to hide in my bed for a while.  I still have head pain right now and it is annoying, but for reasons I can only explain as, I tend to ramble a lot, I feel compelled to write whatever pops into my head.

So as far as the paper cranes are concerned, while I have no photos right now of them, I have made the mama crane which also needs something to help stiffen the wings up.  We also got 400 more sheets of origami paper, which was surprisingly not as expensive as I thought it would be, although I don't know how much it actually cost but since Kevin was willing to buy it, it must not have been that bad (I'll do pictures later, when I can tolerate the bright lights coming through the windows enough to take them).  With the new paper I have made 14 more cranes.  Since I forgot to look at the last post about cranes before writing this I am actually not sure what that brings the total to, but the plan is to have them flying over the bed because we have a four poster bed with curtains hanging from it so there are parallel bars we can use to hang them, some how, or maybe Kevin plans to anchor them to the ceiling, not really sure, but he said he would do that once I made them.

Kevin was working on a summary of what has been going on with me for my up coming doctors appointment and I was going back through my posts to see if there was anything that would help him.  I found my post about wearing makeup and it does still hold true, I use that a lot to help with making myself feel better, but the way I use has changed.  I'm not sure if I was already having to buzz my hair off when I posted that, but I do know that the more recent the buzzing of the hair, the more likely I am going to be wearing makeup.  I really miss my hair, it had been a huge part of my identity for so long that not having it makes it so that I frequently don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  I also realized that I have been doing much heavier makeup than when I first started and the worse I feel, the heavier and darker it gets.  While my mom was here she got me some nicer makeup brushes and I have been using black eyeshadow as liner now, and actually got fairly good at applying it as far as I am concerned, but I have also been using darker colors like blues and greens instead of all skin tone colors like I would usually do.  I still need to figure out how to start taking pictures of what I am doing and some how have them in a document with an explanation of how I am feeling since I think there is a pattern to my use of makeup, but without having documentation it is hard to be certain, but it might be a good clue for Kevin is knowing how I felt during the day since I don't always remember to email him when I had a bad day, but I usually still have the makeup on since I also tend to forget to wash it off as well.

My hands have been practically turning into claws lately because of the joint/muscle/bone pain, which has also made making the cranes and putting makeup on, and trying to type, feed myself, clean myself (for the times when not getting help from Kevin, yes, I need Kevin's help for all showers now), open doors, use pencils, use a mouse, do a lot of things most people wouldn't think twice about, really hard.  I thought the decreasing co-ordination was bad because I kept spilling things on myself, but when it is painful to eat because you can't pick up the bottle with the liquid or hold a spoon in the first place, it kind of makes me want to cry.  Probably the reason why I am typing this now with very little planning is because this is one of the rare moments where typing for more than a couple of minutes doesn't make me want to scream in pain in the last few days.

I might be getting close to starting the slide into depression, but I still don't think I am currently depressed, I think I am just worn out by all of this.  It is exhausting to have to work as hard as I generally have to, just to do basic things.  And it is mentally exhausting to have to deal with the stress of it all so I always seem to feel tired even when I have just woken up.  But I don't think I am depressed because I still enjoy doing things, I still look forward to things when I can remember that we are going to be doing them.  If we go to the right store I can spend a long time just point at things and exclaiming very loudly how cute those things are (particularly with Easter coming up, I love all the colors of this holiday), I still laugh when watching a funny show (love the Ouran Host Club for that), I'm still interested in my Sims stuff even if I can't physically play the games most of the time.  If I am crying and it is not because of pain it is not because I am depressed, it is just because I am worn out or frustrated with how my health is going.

But in good news we have health insurance again and Kevin has already booked an appointment for the next day he has off work.  We will be having to drive a ways to get to these appointments, but we will be going to one of the best medical/hospital/schools in the country and Kevin figures, if they can't determine what is wrong (even if it turns out not to be curable) then no one can.  His plan is to cram as many appointments and tests as possible in as short a window as possible because we may not be able to afford this for a very long time and if the judge in my upcoming disability hearing doesn't believe that I am disabled, we are basically screwed and will probably have to drop the insurance again, unfortunately there is only a month between the first doctors appointment and the hearing so I am not sure if the doctor will have had time to be able to diagnose what is wrong by then, but she already has all of my medical records so hopefully that will help speed the process along.

And now my hands are starting to claw up this is the end of the post.
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
So I found the camera after much worrying of where I had lost it and decided to make the pictures their own post because they are kind of awkward sizes which is totally my fault for the way I cropped one of them.
three images under the cut... )
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
There was supposed to be a picture or two with this post, but I can't find the camera and since I was probably the last one to use it, that is a problem.  If I find it later I made add pictures to this depending on how much time passes and whether or not I remember to.

Near the end of February I started the Paper Crane project to fold 1000 paper cranes.  As of today, I have now folded 30, which is remarkable considering how much making these can make my fingers hurt and I have been having a lot of random back and shoulder pain lately which makes wanting to move any arm/hand muscles really low.  

The packet of Origami paper said it had 28 sheets in it, but it turned out it had 29 which really confused me because there are four colors and when I organized them to thread and hang I had this random red crane and then spent way more time than I should have today trying to find the three it was supposed to go with and then realized after a few hours that I wasn't - 3 I was +1.  Then, because I have a plan for it, I made a super-sized paper crane out of wrapping paper, but while wrapping paper folds very easily, it doesn't stay in shape very well so Kevin is going to do something to it to help it keep its shape.

When I told my mom what I was doing she remembered the book and how I had made a lot of paper cranes for a long time after reading it.  She has even offered to send more origami paper if we can't afford it ourselves, which I may have to tell her to go ahead and do, in small quantities, because if I have a stack of a 1000 sheets sitting in front of me I may get overwhelmed and hide.  I don't know if me starting this project was her intent when she left that packet of origami paper, but I am glad she approves of what I am doing with it.

Right now 28 of the paper cranes are hanging in the living room on a length of fishing line because we figured it was the strongest thing that could be threaded through a needle to actually thread through the cranes and then tided and hung.  The extra red crane is sitting in front of my computer screen so i should see both the first batch and the extra all the time.  The jumbo sized one I plan to sit in the bedroom on my bedside table, provided it fits, the thing is huge, for when I am stuck in bed all day, or just to look at while falling asleep.

I know this won't happen over night, just like getting my health back won't happen over night.  In some ways I think that is the lesson I am most taking away from this.  But just because I can't fold them as quickly or for as long as I used to, I still can fold two or three a day and so long as I can do that, hope still exists because it is something, and hope is a very important thing when you are trying to over come something.

For now I have to wait until I can get more paper (or start working on the printer paper which will result in some large white cranes) but I am looking forward to making more.

30 down, 970 left to go.
gettinghealthy: (paper cranes)
When I was in the 7th grade we read a book called "Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" which for some reason really resonated with me. As a project for the class while reading the book we were assigned to make paper cranes to send to Japan for the an annual memorial that is held at a statue placed in remembrance of the girl the book was written about. Of everyone in the class, I folded the most paper cranes, and, now that I think about it, I think I made more than the rest of the class combined, I remember the teacher being really amazed at how many I had been able to make in a short period of time.

The theory is that if you fold 1000 paper cranes, you will be granted a wish. I have often wanted to try folding 1000 cranes, but never actually managed to start and really wasn't sure where to put them. I had been considering starting the project again recently since now wishing for my health back is an almost daily occurrence, but I didn't think Kevin would be very excited about the idea of 1000 white paper cranes made out of printer paper hanging from the ceiling. But without knowing of my desire to make these paper cranes, while my mom was visiting she bought a small package of very pretty Origami paper that she had left behind. I thought she had gotten it for her scrap-booking, but she said it was for me.

So today I folded four paper cranes, one in each of the patterns of paper. Once I started the forth one I fingers started to really hurt so this may take a while if I can only do four a day, but then again, I only have 28 pieces of paper and I don't want all of the rest to be white either, although I am sure some will be, so this will be a long project indeed. But if at the end of 1000 paper cranes I find that I am healthy again, it will have all been worth it. I know it is not likely folding paper cranes will actually cure me, but we have tried everything traditional medicine says should work and it hasn't, maybe a leap of faith is what I need.



Four down, 996 left to go.

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Paper Cranes Count

4+25+1+1+14+11=56 of 1000

November 2012

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