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[personal profile] gettinghealthy
I sometimes wonder how I don't end up depressed the way my doctors all believe I should and I realize that I don't actually know.  I don't think I am special or have some gift that allows me to go through life untouched by negative feels; I do know what it feels like to be so sad you think you will never stop crying, but so far that has only happened when someone died (or a cat in the most recent case).  My mother suffers from depression, as far I can tell, my father does not; I don't think my brother does, I think he just wants to be anti-social so he doesn't have to deal with certain things.  I don't spend all day telling myself I am not depressed, I only say it when someone tells me they think I should be, so it is not like I am trying to convince myself of something that is not true.

In the pain management group I was in, one of the suggestions was to do something nice for yourself once a week, something you enjoy and are able to do regardless of the pain.  Examples included petting a cat or a dog, listening to music, watching a favorite television program, etc, etc.  I looked at Kevin and told him I do those every day without even having to tell myself that I will do something nice for myself that day.  It seemed silly to me but to others in the group, all of whom were able to leave the house on their own unlike me, it seemed to be a great and new concept.  I guess when you are depressed, trying to do something you enjoy seems like a far out idea, and is another reason I knew I was not depressed.

Something I had heard about well before my IBS changed to become more painful and my migraines started I had read about something some women with cancer will do to make themselves feel better and while I do not have cancer, it is something I thought was a good idea; they put on makeup.  There is something to be said for the concept that just because someone looks great doesn't mean they feel great, but when you have something that can take such a toll on your physical appearance as cancer does, feeling like you look good can be as good a medicine as any because you are more likely to keep fighting. 

While I have never been one to really get into wearing makeup in the past, I asked Kevin to get a makeup kit for me at one of those half off after Christmas sales and now I have a small box with some eyeshadow, lip gloss, and blush in it.  I asked him because when the IBS changed, my ability to maintain my weight also changed.  When Kevin and I first met I was a health 125 pounds, most of which was muscle because I ran and exercised daily.  Right now, well, I will not say how much I weigh now, but it is a good deal more and even if I skip eating for a day, the weight continues to go up and everything they have tested for comes back good, so I have no idea why because it was going up even before I became unable to run an hour each day.  This weight gain has taken a toll on how I feel about how I look; I never thought I was model worthy, but I thought I looked okay for me, now I do sometimes wonder what it is Kevin sees because he calls me beautiful every day.

I don't wear the makeup to make others think I am healthier or happier than I am, I wear it for me, to make myself feel better about how I look and how I can look once this get figured out.  I never wear a lot, just enough so that I know it is there.  I don't have to be going somewhere to put it, I am wearing some right now and have no expectation of leaving the house today.  No, the makeup is just for me, and me alone.  So now, sometimes I wear makeup, when I want to try and make myself feel a little better about how I look.  I may not need the makeup in Kevin's eyes, but it does make me feel better just knowing it is there.

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4+25+1+1+14+11=56 of 1000

November 2012

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